More intern knowledge/How many similes can one post have?

A word about computers

So it turns out the technology at NWA hasn’t been updated since the late '80s. As you can imagine, this will provide something of a challenge to interns having to accomplish everything on the intern accomplishment list (especially things like “uploading ePassages,” have fun with that one!). Here are a few handy little tricks passed down through the generations of interns to help you resist throwing these stone-age, Micky Mouse, piece of crap computers off the atrium.

The Laptop


-First of all, you need to make sure you hit restart on the laptop when you are leaving for the day. This is less important with the current machine, but with the POS we had before, it was absolutely essential.

-Second, this little baby will lag like an anaconda after eating a 500-pound gazelle if you put a little work on it. I am talking a huge, like alpha-male gazelle here. This thing lags like an overloaded 747 with one engine (to use airline industry similes); especially if you are working on the dreaded “uploading ePassages” file. Ctrl S, Ctrl S, Ctrl S, I say. And I say this because as long as you are continually saving your work, you will be golden if the little sucker decides to kick the bucket, or you decide to throw it off the atrium. Should you decide the latter, you better freaking tape it and send me a copy of the video (treebait@hotmail.com)!!!

The Mac

-The next thing to consider is not killing yourself when the Mac starts making Chernobyl noises as its monitor starts up. This is normal. And by normal I don’t mean that your computer at home should do this, I just mean that for this particular technology (equivalent to a German grenade circa 1920s, and just as dangerous), it is standard operating procedure. Booya.

-Another thing about The Mac is that—much like a good NWA intern—it will shut down and go to sleep whenever it feels like work is getting too difficult. When it does this (not if, mind you), the best thing to do is to wait a few minutes and then quickly jab the startup button like Muhammad Ali. If you do it slowly, or jab without enough zeal, your results will be less than satisfactory.

-Also, The Mac has a nasty little habit of shutting down of its own volition when you are in the middle of a project. Apple S, Apple S, Apple S. I can’t say this enough. You must save your work by the nanosecond on that machine because it is about as stable as a Japanese airport. I am going to eat some buffalo jerky now. It is a tasty treat. Oh, another sub note on this one, The Mac will freeze. If it does, the best thing I’ve found is to just unplug the little SOB and start over. There is probably a better way, but I haven’t found it, and as long as you are Apple S-ing like a humming bird on crack, everything should be cool as a cucumber.

As you can see from the above graph, The Mac has caused considerably more trouble than any other piece of Intern Technology and should be used sparingly. The laptop—another likely candidate—is no saint itself and shouldn’t be trusted as well. The scissors, on the other hand, have had relatively few explosions and almost no freezes or lags (sometimes an intern’s hands get tired after a whole lot of cutting, and some could be chalked up to user error). This piece of technology should be most widely utilized.

Top Secret Contingency plan

-Last thing, and you probably saw this one coming, if all else fails, throw the damn things off the atrium. Two points if you can hit a planter.